MARY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY

A pantomime play in three Acts.

Cast (In no particular order): Narrator (The easiest part of all), Mary Christmas (An attractive woman in her early 30’s), Carole (a young trainee), Rudy The Red Knobbed Reindeer (a reindeer), Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen (more reindeers), Foo-Kin Thin (a small box of electronics from Japan), Santa Claus (a red faced obese old inebriate wanted for questioning by police forces in 92 different countries on suspicion of paedophile charges following evidence that he has serially entered the bedrooms of young children across the globe), various Elves, Imps, Goblins and myriad small creatures (short arses), a Teddy Bear (a toy) and assorted sleeping figures (random characters, some of whom might be familiar to some people. Or not.).
Note to orchestras: All slaps of thighs should be accompanied by that drum & cymbal roll, y’know the one that goes ‘ta-dish!’

Act one, scene one:

Narrator: “Twas the night before Christmas, and so it came to pass…”

The scene:
A long, low hall, stretching away seemingly to infinity. A wide bench table, laden with tools, parts of toys, rolls of wrapping paper, glitter, bows and other glamorous detritus strewn across it runs the entire length of the room.
The whole table is a hive of activity, with many, many elves, goblins, dwarves and myriad small creatures busily bustling around, their pointy hats merrily bobbling up and down.
Through the windows, snow can be seen falling on a Polar landscape.

Enter Stage Right a shapely blonde woman, in her 30’s, wearing a red cape edged with white fur, her short cape stopping halfway down her thigh, exposing a glimpse of fishnet encased legs, above her knee-high black leather boots.
She is followed by a younger woman, dressed in a similar fashion, but with a green cape.
The red-caped woman speaks first.

Mary Christmas: “Well Carole, this is the final stop on your induction tour, here we have the hub of our activity – The Toy Factory! Here’s where our crack team of elves and their associates make all the toys for all the children of the world!”

Carole: “Gosh! I always dreamed about being able to visit this place since I was a little girl, now to actually be able to work here…I’m so glad I answered that advert in the Job Centre! Will I be able to have a ride on the sleigh?”

Mary Christmas: “All in good time Carole, you won’t be flying this year, but we’ll get you trained up in time for next year. In the meantime, you’ll serve your apprenticeship sewing the sacks to hold the presents in. It’s in your family of course, after all your great-grandfather did invent the sewing machine, did he not?”

Carole: “Grandpa Isaac Singer? I guess he did!”

Mary Christmas (in a stage whisper): “I always liked the Vibrating Shuttle machine myself” (Winks)

Enter stage left, in a hurry –

First Elf: “Mary! Mary!”

Mary Christmas (quite contrarily): “THAT’S MRS CHRISTMAS TO YOU, LITTLE MAN! YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY AS SANTA CLAUS’S WIFE!” (Raises one leg for no apparent good reason, slaps thigh and stamps foot down hard)

First Elf (muttering): “Stuck up bitch”

Mary Christmas: “What was that?”

First elf: “I said – There’s been a hitch! And less of that discriminatory heightist ‘little man’ shit as well, I’ll have the union on you, you know, the Combined Union of Magical Servants, Traders And Imps Needing Safety.”

Mary Christmas: “You mean…..” (gasps)

First elf: “Yes, that’s right – you’d better watch out for CUMSTAINS, or they’ll be on you!”

Mary Christmas (towards audience, rolling eyes): “Jeez, do you see what I have to put up with?” then towards First Elf: “Anyway, what sort of a hitch?”

First Elf: “He’s been drinking again…he’s totally wasted, ripped, juiced, plastered, paralytic, pickled, pie-eyed, legless, trollied, gazeboed, blasted, blitzed, bombed, stoned, smashed, steamed, soaked, sloshed, rat-arsed, out of his mind…”

Carole (interrupting): “Yeah, yeah, we get the idea…”

Mary Christmas: “Oh god no, not again! Let’s go and see how bad the old bastard is this time, come on Carole…”

Mary, Carole and First Elf exit stage right, hastily. The stage darkens slowly.

*****

Act One, scene two:

A large sleigh, the size of a truck trailer, and laden with many large sacks sits in the middle of an aircraft hanger.
Slumped in the corner of the hanger, lying on the ground, is a red-faced fat old man with long hair and a long white beard, wearing only his underpants and socks, with a red hat in his lap, clutching a bottle. He appears to be unconscious.

Enter stage left, running, Mary, Carole, First Elf & several more little peop ..er… magical servants, traders and imps.
The cast gather around the prone form of the old man.

Mary Christmas: “Oh fucking hell! He’s really bad this time, isn’t he?”

First Elf: “You’re right. We’ll never sober the old cunt up in time to fly that thing.”

Carole (beginning to cry) “Oh no, it was gonna be my first time on the job, and it looks like Christmas is ruined before it’s even begun!”

Mary Christmas: “Don’t worry Carole, if he’s too out of it to perform his duties, we’ll just have to do it without him! We’ve done it before, like that time in the 1960’s when he’d just discovered LSD and was tripping his head off.”

First Elf: “Yup, you’re right. And that time back in the 18th century when the bibulous old twat had drunk four quarts of gin. And the time in sixteen-hundred-and-frightened-to-death when the ol’ twat had fallen into a vat of rum, and nearly drowned trying to drink his way out.”

Mary Christmas: “Yeah, I remember that. He got out three times to have a piss, then climbed back in. The twat”

First Elf: “Twat.”

Mary Christmas: “Twat.”

All cast members under four feet high turn towards audience.

Cast: “Boys and girls, Santa is a twat!”

Audience: “OH NO HE ISN’T!”

Cast: “OH YES HE IS!”

Audience: “OH NO HE ISN’T!”

Cast: “OH YES HE IS!”

Audience: “OH NO HE ISN’T!”

Cast: “OH YES HE IS!”

Mary Christmas: “STOP THIS NOW THE LOT OF YOU! I like a joke, but fuck a pantomime….” (Stops, and slowly looks around ironically) “Anyway, all you short-arsed little fuckers get on the back of the sleigh. Carole, you’ll have to ride shotgun with me up the front!”

First Elf: “Carole, did you mean what you just said about it being your first time ‘on the job’ if you know what I mean?” (winks)

Carole: “Yes, it’s my first time away from home, I’ve never ‘done it’ before so I don’t know much about it.”

First Elf: “Well, I’m a good teacher, you know.” (winking furiously)

Carole (in horror): “But, b-but, you’re a midget!”

First Elf: “SIZIST COW! Anyway, I’m taller than I look. And I have a ladder. So how about it?”

Mary Christmas: “Stop that as well, we haven’t got time for that! Where’s the bloody reindeers? RUDOPLH! WHERE ARE YOU RUDY? Get here now!”

Enter Stage Right a tall muscular naked black man, who has a very large erect red penis, smoking a fragrant fat home-rolled cigarette which appears to be comprised of several cigarette papers stuck together.

Mary Christmas: “Ah! There you are Rudy! Come on, we’ve got work to do – get the others rounded up and in front of the damned sleigh, will you?”

Rudy The Red Knobbed Reindeer (dragging deeply on the cigarette, then exhaling slowly): “Yah, mon….no problem!”

Rudy exits stage right slowly, giggling.

Carole: “But, but, but, but….he’s not a real reindeer, he’s a big black man with an enormous cock! His antlers are stuck on the side of his head with Blu-Tack!”

Mary Christmas: “Yes, but he thinks he’s a reindeer. Who are we to argue?”

Rudy returns from Stage Right, leading eight reindeer. He chains them in two lines in front of the sleigh, and affixes a nosebag to each one. The bags appear to be smouldering, with the same fragrant burning smell as Rudy’s own cigarette.
Rudy then stands at the head of the two lines.

Carole: “What’s with that stuff that he’s smoking, and why have they all got a bag of it to inhale?”

Mary Christmas: “Well how the fuck else do you think they fly?”

The curtains close.

*****

Act Two, scene one.

The sleigh sits in the centre of a darkened stage.
Lights like stars twinkle past, and a wind blows across it, giving the impression of great speed.
Mary & Carole are perched on a bench seat at the head of the sleigh, holding the reindeer’s reins.
Various short ars…er… magical servant types can be seen squeezed in amongst the huge sacks to the rear of the sleigh.
In the darkness a robotic voice can be heard, speaking with a mechanical Oriental accent.

Foo-Kin Ting: “At the. Aurora Borealis. Take the. Third. Star. On the. Right.

Mary Christmas: “What did it say? Third right by the star?”

Carole: “I don’t know, I thought he said turn right by the star.”

Foo-Kin Ting: “Third. Star. On the. Right. Are you. Fucking. Deaf. Or. Something?”

Mary Christmas: “Oh great, just what we need. A Sat-Nav with attitude. Bastard.”

Foo-Kin Ting: “Stuck. Up. Bitch.”

Mary Christmas: “What was that?”

Foo-Kin Ting: “I. Said. I. Have. A. Glitch.”

Mary Christmas: “Not another clever cunt. Carole, throw the bloody thing overboard!”

Foo-Kin Ting: “No. Please. Don’t.”

Carole picks up small box of electronics.

Mary Christmas: “Carole – just toss it off, will you?”

Foo-Kin Ting: “Oh! In. That. Case. Please. Do.”

Carole throws the box off the side of the sleigh.

Foo-Kin Ting: “AIIIIEEEEEeeeee!”

Carole: “But how are we going to find our way now, what if we get lost?”

Mary Christmas: “Don’t worry, we have the Time And Relative Dimensions In Space technology fitted to this sled. We negotiated the use of it from the Gallifreyans in the fifteenth century, so we have all the time in the world to do it. Good job too, you should see how much more there is to do now, compared to then. We’d never get all the presents on board else either. And we have a cloaking device from the Romulans, so no-one can see us while we do it either, and that’s without the Magic Of Christmas, that old festive enchantment that the whole world feels tonight. Well, the ones that aren’t drunk out of their minds feel it, anyway.”

Carole: “So what do we do now?”

Mary Christmas: “We go all around the world, spreading happiness, spreading joy, spreading goodwill, spreading gifts, spreading good cheer…”

Carole: “We sure do a lot of spreading, don’t we – is there anything else we spread?”

Mary Christmas: “Oh yes, just you wait and see!” (Winks theatrically)

Second Elf (from back of sleigh): “Flying over central UK now! First target approaching, turn twenty degrees to starboard….Birmingham in sight now!”

Mary Christmas: “OK! Open bomb doors, commencing bombing run … bombs away on my mark….. MARK! – Bombs away!”

A large number of white sticks begin to tumble away behind the sleigh.

Carole: “But we’re not supposed to indiscriminately bomb people! We’re Christmas, goodwill, cheer and all that stuff!”

Mary Christmas: “Ah, but these are very special bombs…try one!”

Mary reaches behind her and pulls out one of the small white sticks. Ripping the paper covering, she passes it to Carole.

Carole: “It’s a chocolate bar!”

Carole puts chocolate bar in mouth.

Carole (chewing): “Mmmmm, nom nom nom mmm thish ish nicsh innit. Butish all schtickin to me teesh. Wosshit called?”

Mary Christmas: “It’s called a Curly-Wurly, and they’re everso popular around those parts!”

Carole: “Mmmm I can shee why. Witsh the Dentists moshtly I expect, I think it’s just had one of my fillings out!”

The moving lights slow and then stop, as does the wind blowing across the sleigh.

Mary Christmas: “Ok everybody – Here we go! You all have your ‘to-do’ lists, go and get on with it; each and every one of those sacks has got to be emptied before dawn. Rendezvous back here in six hours, ok?”

All cast under four foot high: “YES BOSS!”

Mary Christmas: “And none of that wasting time singing the ‘Hi Ho Hi Ho Hi Ho’ song either, just get on with it!”

Third Elf (muttering): “Stuck up bitch.”

Mary Christmas: “What was that?”

First Elf: “He said he has an itch, boss.”

Mary Christmas: “Well tell him to scratch it, and then get on with it, the lot of you. AND NO DRINKING ON DUTY either!”

Carole: “Do they drink a lot then?”

Mary Christmas: “They’re all right with the beer, but you never get any work out of them if they get on the shorts…now then, Rudy – you know what you’ve got to do, its just the one job, then straight back here, ok?”

Rudy (taking a toke from his monstrous spliff): “Sssssss – ahhhh! Yah, mon…no problem!”

Mary Christmas: “And you too, Carole, here’s your list of instructions, if anything seems difficult remember – the Magic Of Christmas will overcome!”

The curtains close.

*****

Act two, scene two:

The curtains open to reveal a darkened stage. Small areas of the stage will light up in turn, as each of the small vignettes are played out.

Vignette (a):

A bedroom. A female figure sleeps soundly in a bed. Enter Mary Christmas, Stage Right, carrying a sack.

Mary Christmas: “Hmmm, what does this one want, I wonder?” She reads the note at the foot of the bed “Oooh! A Rampant Rabbit! No problem, I have one here. With long-life batteries, too!” She reaches into her sack. “I wonder if she knows how to use it properly? Perhaps I ought to show her.” to Audience “What do you think boys and girls?”

Audience: “YES!”

Mary Christmas: “Really?”

Audience: “YES!”

Mary Christmas: “Oh, alright then…”

Mary peels back the sheets to reveal a slim, attractive young girl, still sleeping soundly.
She runs her hands slowly down across the girl’s breasts, using her fingertips to gently stroke the nipples until they become erect.
She bends forward and lightly takes one of the nipples into her mouth. Her hands stray down across the girl’s stomach, and lightly stroke across the lips of the slumbering girls pussy, before gently inserting first one finger, then two into the moistening opening.
A stifled moan emanates from the mouth of the sleeper.

Mary stands up, picks up the Rabbit, and gently nudges it between the parted thighs of the somnolent girl.
The vibrator slips easily into the lubricated slit, and a ‘brrrr’ can be heard as Mary switches on both the rotating shaft and the vibrating ears.

The tone of the noise changes as Mary scrolls through the various vibrating settings of the toy.
As she does, the slumbering girl begins to moan, softly at first, then louder as her pleasure mounts, her hips gyrating rhythmically until she finally lets out a loud groan.

Mary removes the toy, wipes it dry and carefully places the vibe in the stocking hanging at the end of the bed.

Mary Christmas (to audience): “She’ll wake up in the morning thinking what a lovely dream she’s had. She’ll be so pleased to find out it was for real!”

The stage darkens.

Vignette (b):

A bedroom. A female head can be seen poking out from under bedcovers. Enter Carole, Stage Left, carrying a sack.

Carole: “My first one! I wonder what it will be?” she walks over to the bed and reads aloud the note “Dear Santa – please can you give me something for my Blue Waffle?”

Carole (to Audience): “Whatever can she mean?” she lifts bedcovers, and her eyes open wide with horror “OH MY GOD!” she replaces bed sheet. She rummages in sack “Ah, here it is! An extra large jar of Santa’s Special Cream – I’ll leave it under the tree, that should do it!” she looks back under the covers “Actually, I think I’ll leave two, just to be sure!”

The stage darkens.

Vignette (c):

A bedroom. A figure, hidden under a duvet, snores lightly. Enter Mary Christmas Stage Right, still carrying a sack.

Mary Christmas: “And I wonder what this one wants?” picks up note “Dear Santa, please can you make them all like me?” Mary checks her list, twice. “Sorry Dierdre, but there’s some things we just can’t do. Some of them like you, sweetie, but some of them never will. Take heart though precious, at least one of the threads about you is just about the longest ever!” Mary shakes head sadly “I’ll leave you some credit on your iTunes account though, how’s about that? I remember you liked some good music! And I’ll leave you a bottle of these pink pills. Take a couple whenever you feel stressed. Actually, I think I’ll leave two bottles, just to be sure!”

The stage darkens.

Vignette (d):

A bedroom. A man sleeps in a bed. Enter Carole, Stage Right, carrying a sack.

Carole: “Next one, I wonder what he wants?” she reads note, and then looks puzzled. “What he wants is two girls, apparently – that’s a bit greedy!” She looks at note again. “Oh, and a cup, just the one though. How strange!” she scratches head “Two girls and one cup? I wonder what the significance of that is?”

Carole turns to the computer in the man’s bedroom, and opens Google. She types in the phrase Two Girls One Cup.
Horrified (and just a little green in the face), she turns to the audience.

Carole: “Ewwwwwww! Bleeeetch! All he’s getting is this…!” She leaves a large piece of coal at the foot of the bed, and departs swiftly, Stage Left.

The stage darkens.

Vignette (e):

A bedroom. A red-haired English girl in her mid 30’s lies on her back, sleeping soundly, her duvet pulled down far enough to reveal a large pair of breasts. Unfortunately they are filling her armpits either side of her.
Enter Mary Christmas, Stage Left, carrying a sack.

Mary Christmas: “And this one, what does she want, bless her?” she reads note out loud “Dear Santa, please can you make my DD boobs back into D’s and all pert again, like they used to be when I was 21? If not, please can you fix it for me so that my 6 numbers come up on the lottery?” to the Audience “Well, we’re not allowed to use our magic to influence things in the real world, like gambling or sports matches. I couldn’t possibly do that, as I’d get into a lot of trouble if I did, so I guess it’s the boobies then!”

Mary Christmas warms her hands by breathing on them gently, and then begins to caress the girl’s breasts, shaping them upwards like an expert baker kneading bread, or a potter working carefully on a new piece.
After several minutes of sapphic massage, she removes her hands, and steps back to admire her handiwork as the titties stand proudly, pointing upwards.

For about ten seconds.

Then they plunge back into the girl’s armpits once more.

Mary tries, twice more, each time with the same result.

Mary Christmas: “Oh dear, sweetheart, I don’t think that there’s anything I can do about them…What were those lottery numbers again?”

The stage darkens.

Vignette (f):

A bedroom. A country boy snores loudly in a bed. On a desk nearby, a computer screen glows with a blue light. Some small yellow writing can be seen, but the only distinguishable word appears in white writing at the top of the page. The word is ‘Sexuality’.
Enter Carole, Stage Left, carrying a sack.

Carole: “Well, I hope this job’s more fun than the last one!” she looks closely at the dozing figure “Wow, they really have got red necks then! I thought it was just a nick-name.” she looks closer, lifting the head of the lethargic man “Oh no, it’s just dirt. Perhaps I’ll just leave him some soap!” she looks around, and finds a crumpled piece of paper, which she struggles to read.
With furrowed eyebrows she faces the audience and says “Deer Santa can u pleez 4 xmas help me have fuks wit my sister coz I want fuk her in teh ass or my mom” Carole looks at the audience and rolls her eyes “Well, with a bit of Christmas magic, I could appear to look like his sister I suppose…!”

She puckers up her lips and throws back the bedcovers, pulls down the boy’s shorts and lowers her head towards the already erect penis of the torpid male.
She smoothly slips her lips over the engorged head of his member, taking it into her mouth slowly, and then releasing it.
She slips out her tongue, and flicks it around the top, then works her way down to the base of the shaft, with circular motions of her tongue. She licks her way back up the shaft, then plunges her head down the full length, sucking it all into her mouth, enjoying the feel of the cock filling her entire mouth.

She bobs her head up and down, eliciting stifled groans from the boy’s mouth.

When she is sure that the cock is completely lubricated, she withdraws her mouth from the throbbing organ.
Hitching up her cape, she climbs onto the bed alongside him, and swings a leg across his torso, so that she sits kneeling astride him, facing away from him, in the ‘reverse cowgirl’ position.
Reaching behind herself, she grasps the hot prick, and slowly eases it into her anus, lowering her hips down onto it.
When the full length of it is inside her, she begins to ride up and down, with small motions at first, quickly building up to long strokes up and down.

Soon, the boy gasps and cries out. Carole’s eyes bulge as she looks around behind herself, surprised.

Carole: “Holy shit! That’s a lot of cum up my ass!” she stands up straight above the still-sleeping boy, and placing a hand on each buttock, she pulls them apart and wiggles her hips.

A white blob, about the size of a tennis ball protrudes from her anal passage. It pauses, hanging by a sticky thread for a few moments, just for comedic effect, before dropping onto the boy’s genitals with a loud splat.

She steps down from the bed and hastily pulls the boy’s shorts back up.

Carole (laughing): “When he wakes up, he’s going to think he’s had the best wet dream ever!” to the Audience “I wonder though…..when he came, why did he shout his little brother’s name?”

She scratches her head.

The stage darkens.

Vignette (g)

A bedroom. A big cuddly Teddy Bear lies on a bed. The Teddy bear has an enormous penis.

Enter Mary Christmas, Stage left.

She looks around, puzzledly.

Mary Christmas: “Oh dear, there doesn’t seem to be anybody here. How strange.”

She notices the cuddly bear, and smiles at its phallus.

Mary Christmas: “Oooh! Look at that! That’s interesting. I wonder….”

She goes over to the bear and looks closely at the large cock.

Mary Christmas: “Hmmm, you could have some fun with that!”

She licks her lips, bends over and begins to lick and suck the knob, which swells and lengthens even more.

Suddenly the bear awakes, and growls contentedly. He begins to paw at Mary.

Mary Christmas: “Ooh! Noooo, I haven’t got time for this…and I’m not sure I want to be shagged by a Teddy Bear with a 12” willy!”

The bear begins to chase Mary.

Mary Christmas: “That’s it! I’m outta here!”

Exit, pursued by a bear.

The stage darkens and the curtains close.

*****

Act Two, Scene Three.

Back at the sleigh. The twinkling lights are stationary, indicating that the sleigh is not moving. Dancer, Prancer, Dasher, Comet, Vixen, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen are tethered in front of the sleigh, their nosebags still smoking slightly.
The various ‘Under Four Foot High’ members of the cast enter variously Stage Left, Right and Rear, chattering excitedly as they greet each other with much back-slapping and high-fives.
They climb aboard the rear of the sleigh.
Enter Mary Christmas, Stage Left and Carole, Stage Right, simultaneously.

Carole: “Phew! That was hard work – harder than I thought!”

Mary Christmas (laughing): “Well, it is your first time ‘on the job’ – you don’t realise how hard it can get until you actually do it!”
She slaps thigh again for no apparent reason, then climbs on board the sleigh, accompanied by Carole.

Mary Christmas: “Now, where the hell is Rudy? Damn him, I told him not to be late!”

Enter Rudy The Red Knobbed Reindeer Stage left, dragging his feet tiredly, his penis hanging flaccidly. He is singing happily to himself.

Rudy: “No wamman no cry, na na wamman, na wamman na cry….” He sees Mary “Hey! Hi dere boss lady!”

Mary Christmas: “RUDY! Where have you been? You only had the one job to do!”

Rudy: “Yah mon, but it were difficult, ya know?”

Mary Christmas: “What was difficult about it? It was the most straight forward job of the whole night! All you had to do was fly over to Wales, put on a German Army helmet, speak with an American accent, just to remind her of the good old days, and give the shepherdess a jolly good rogering. With that thing” she points to Rudy’s softening, but still amazingly large red penis “you should’ve been able to give her the time of her life!”

Rudy: “Yah mon, but it were difficult, ya know?”

Mary Christmas: “What was difficult? One girl! One good fuck! Then straight back here!”

Rudy: “Yah mon, but there was like, 300 of her friends there, so I did all of them, too. Strangely enough, they were all peroxide blondes, like white, white hair with curly perms! That took me a while, ya know?”

Mary Christmas (puzzled): “300….white curly hair…?” She slaps her forehead “YOU IDIOT! YOU SHAGGED ALL THE SHEEPIOS TOO!”

Rudy (toking on spliff): “Wowwww! Far out!”

Carole: “It is a strange job this, isn’t it? I had one job where the guy looked like a clown! The instructions said he’d been naughty, not nice, so all I had to leave him was a giant jar of Marmite!”

Mary Christmas: “You see all sorts, in this line of work.”

They climb aboard the sleigh. The twinkling lights begin to flash by again, and the wind blows once more.

First elf (poking his head out from between two sacks): “Well Carole, how about it, then – I could teach you lots about being ‘on the job’?”

Carole (beginning to smile): “Oh, that’s a very kind offer, perhaps when we get back…”

First elf: “Baby, it’d be great – I’ve got a great cock you know? It’s long enough to touch the floor!”

Mary Christmas: “Yes, but his legs are only four inches long! Ignore the little twat.”

Carole (muttering): “Stuck up bitch.”

Mary Christmas: “What was that?”

Carole: “I said I must stitch my dress up, I think I’ve torn it a little on the side here…”

Mary Christmas: “Hmmmm… well, anyway, we’ll be back home soon – I’m looking forward to putting my feet up!”

The stage darkens, and the curtains close.

*****

Act Three, scene one.

The great hall. The long table has now been cleared of all the tools, parts of toys, rolls of wrapping paper, glitter, bows and other glamorous detritus.
A fat old man with long white hair and a beard is sitting on a bench with his head on the table, clutching a nearly empty whisky bottle. He can be heard muttering and rambling incoherently, then he lifts his head and suddenly roars.

Santa Claus (slurring loudly): “There once was a man who dwelt by a church-yard, He tried and he tried but he could not get his cock hard, Until one day, He found he was gay, Now he acts like a real card!”

Santa slaps his thigh for no apparent reason, belches, and swigs from the bottle.

Enter Mary Christmas, Carole Singer, Rudy and the assortment of various elves, goblins, dwarves and other small people Stage Right.
Santa looks up and, seeing Mary, his eyes widen.

Santa Claus (shouting): “HOI! MISSUS! OVER HERE, NOW!”

Mary Christmas: “Oh God, he’s awake!”

The various short folk begin to laugh and chatter excitedly.
Santa Claus points down towards his erect penis.

Santa Claus: “Go on, Missus, get yer feckin’ lips round that!”

Mary Christmas: “Oh must I? I don’t really think I….”

First elf (grinning): “Now now, you made all those promises and vows when you married him…you have to perform your wifely duties. And it has been three-hundred-and-sixty-five days since the last time!”

Mary Christmas: “Oh dear. I suppose if I have to…”

She kneels, and obediently begins to perform oral sex on the old man. Expertly she uses her lips, tongue and hands on the cock, licking and sucking the balls and the length of the male member before her, before finally deep throating the rigid tool.

Suddenly her head jerks back, as an enormous stream of cum explodes in her mouth, the jet action propelling her head backwards. Bravely, she opens her mouth wide and attempts to swallow the steaming hot liquid, but there is simply too much for her to consume.
It splatters across her face, causing her to close her eyes as they are covered in cum.
The cock continues to throb and spurt huge globs of jism across her.
Her face is completely covered in gunk, and it now drips down, splashing her kneeling body and dribbling across her bared breasts.
Cum continues to issue forth in huge spurts from the still twitching member.

Carole: “Oh my god! That’s a whole lotta cum! She’ll drown if she’s not careful. How can he produce that much semen?”

First elf: “Ah well, you see…..”

He pauses for effect.

First elf: “Christmas only comes once a year…!”

He slaps thigh for no apparent reason.

Carole (laughing): “Well, I don’t know about The Magic Of Christmas will Overcome…it looks like Christmas’s magic has come all over her, though!”

Whilst watching this scene, various cast members have become obviously excited. Several of the elves have begun to rub themselves on their crotches, and a few have begun to masturbate openly.
Rudy’s flaccid penis has once more become erect. He approaches Mary, who is still kneeling in front of Santa Claus.

Audience: “LOOK OUT! HE’S BEHIND YOU!”

The warning come too late, as the obviously excited Rudy creeps up behind Mary, and takes her suddenly from the rear.

Mary Christmas (stiffening): “OHHH RUDY! NO! NO! IT’S TOO BIG IT’S TOO……”

She relaxes slightly.

Mary Christmas (smiling): “Ooh, maybe it isn’t too big…it’s rather nice actually…!”

Rudy humps the kneeling form of Mary from behind, watched by the assembled cast, until he finally withdraws, and ejaculates up her back.

Panting, and perspiring heavily, Mary is on all fours, semen dripping from her front and back now.

The elves etc are now all obviously excited. Suddenly a squeaky shout goes up.

First elf: “Right lads! That’s it – let’s all have her!”

Mary Christmas: “Noooo, noooooooo, n-”

She stops suddenly, as an elven penis is hastily shoved into her mouth. The rest of the under-four-foot-high cast swarm over her, holding her arms and legs down as they double and triple penetrate her in a gangbang orgy of midget porn.
Eventually, after the dozens of little folk have had their way with all her orifices they release her, and she slumps exhausted (but smiling) to the floor.

Third elf: “I think ALL the sacks have been emptied now!”

Carole (to Mary): “Well, I think there’s one thing we can safely say now.”

Mary Christmas: “W-what’s that?”

Carole and First Elf (together): “You’ve been well and truly…”

Pause for further comedic effect….

All cast members (except Mary) and audience: “STUCK UP, BITCH!”

The curtains close.

THE END

Happy Christmas everyone, I hope you all have a lovely time.

---