Long Funny Sex Jokes
Introduction:
Christmas Eve
A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. Itβs Santa Claus.
βWhy do this? Itβs Christmas Eve?β Santa says.
βBecause Iβve lost my job, β the man answered, β my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids.β
βAh, I can grant you 3 wishes, β replied Santa, βSo when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and thereβll be presents for the children.β
βOh Santa β however can I repay you?β gasped the man.
βWell β not a lot of people know this, β came the reply, βBut old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves arenβt much good at it.β
βDunno βbout that, β the man said.
βOh, go on, β Santa urged, βAfter all β I granted you 3 wishes, donβt be so ungrateful.β
βOk, β the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks βHow old are you?β
β47, β came the reply.
βWhat? And you still believe in Santa Claus?β
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Rabbit Hole
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn thatβs a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.
He says to the first one, βYou can sleep with the pigs,β the second guy,β you can sleep with the cowsβ, and the third guy, βI like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 duaghters.β
The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, βI slept like a pig.β
The second man said ,βI slept like a cow.β
The third guy said, βI slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole.β
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A night with the princess
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldnβt control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldnβt control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
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The Pickle Man
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
βFIRED?!? How can you get fired, youβre always employee of the year!!β she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him firedβ¦
βOh no, not againβ¦What did you do this time?β she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
βYou didnβt!β she hoped.
He blushed and replied, βWell, yes I did.β
Then she asks, βDid it hurt?β
βNo no really,β answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, βWell what happened to the pickle slicer??β
He answers, βOh, *she* got fired too!β
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Psychiatrist Observations
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
βYou all have obsessions,β he observed.
To the first mother, he said, βYou are obsessed with eating. Youβve even named your daughter Candy.β
He turned to the second mom. βYour obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your childβs name, Penny.β
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, βCome on, Dick, letβs go.β
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Baby Hermaphrodite
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, βI have to tell you something about your baby.β
The woman sits up in bed and says, βWhatβs wrong with my baby doctor? Whatβs wrong?β
The doctor says, βWell, now, nothingβs wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.β
The woman is confused. βA hermaphroditeβ¦.. whatβs that?β
The doctor replies, βWell, it means your baby has theβ¦β¦.erβ¦β¦featuresβ¦.of a male and a female.β
The woman turns pale. She says, βOh MY GOD! you mean it has a penisβ¦.. AND a brain.
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I Donβt Think So!
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
βHoney, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you donβt fix it the food will go bad.β Kate said.
Paul yells back, βWho do I look like the GE man, I Donβt think so.β
A little while later Kate says, βHoney, you need to fix the hall light, itβs out.β
βWho do I look like an electrician, I donβt think so, β Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, βHoney, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.β
Paul quickly replies, βWho do I look like a carpenter, I donβt think so.β
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, βBabe, how did you fix all this.β
She looked at him and said, βWell after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.β
Paul says, βWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?β
Kate looks at him and replies, βWho do I look like Betty Crocker, I donβt think so!β
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10 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend
10. Oh come on! Whoβs gonna find out?
9. Well, your brother likes it this way.
8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!
7. Dare to compare?
6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?
5. Is it supposed to bend that way?
4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?
3. Just go away I can finish myself!
2. Iβm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!
1. Is it in yet?
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Shopping for a Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 β These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, βWell, thatβs better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder whatβs further up?β So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 β These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, βThatβs great, but I wonder whatβs further up?β And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 β These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
βHmmm, betterβ she says. βBut I wonder whatβs upstairs?β
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 β These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
βWow!β exclaims the woman, βvery tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!β And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 β These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
βOh, mercy me! But just thinkβ¦ what must be awaiting me further on?β So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 β You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
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Satanβs Sister
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Godβs ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, βHey, donβt you know who I am?β
The man says, βYep, sure do.β
Satan says, βWell, arenβt you afraid of me?β
The man says, βNope, sure ainβt.β
Satan, perturbed, says, βAnd why arenβt you afraid of me?β
βWell, Iβve been married to your sister for 25 years.β
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No Taking For 30 Days
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says βOh just a beerβ.
The bartender asked the man βWhats wrong,why are you so down today?β.
The man said βMy wife and i got into a fight,and she said she wouldβnt talk to me for a monthβ.
The bartender said βSo whats wrong with thatβ?
The man siad βWell the month is up tonightβ.
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More Moaning
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. βI found out from Mrs. Goldberg that youβve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Havenβt I always been the good wife? Iβve cooked for you, raised your children, and Iβve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What havenβt I done to make you happy?β
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, βItβs true, Sadie, youβve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You donβt moan when we have sex!β
Sadie questions: βIf I moaned when we had sex, youβd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!β
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, βNow, Morris, should I moan now?β βNo not yet.β
Morris begins fondling Sadie. βWhat about now, Morris? Should I moan now?β βNo, Iβll tell you when!β
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. βIs it time for me to moan, Morris?β βWait, Iβll tell you when.β
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells βNow, Sadie, moan! MOAN!β
βOY! You wouldnβt BELIEVE what a day I had!β
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I hope you enjoyed these sex jokes π
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Why do you have to not pick. It was funny and youβre just a little fucking need who jacks off to Pi.
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